Tuesday, May 31, 2011

His Power is Made Perfect in my Weakness

Last night I made this comment to one of my friend's "Glad it's you and not me." He is spending today at the hospital getting lots of tests done. Even though I wished he didn't have to go through that, I was sort of glad it wasn't me. Well, today those words came back to bite me. Tomorrow, I have a doctor's appointment. Most likely blood work and who know's what else. on Thursday (At like 8 in the morning) I have an ultrasound. I'm trying not to laugh at the irony of it all, because tomorrow (and the day after) it will be me. The hospital (oops, the doctors office AT the hospital) called this morning. They scheduled the ultrasound and then they put in a referal for an urgent appointment with the GI. No idea when that's gonna be yet, but considering that they put urgent on it, it could be soon. I'm relieved that they are doing something about it, like getting me in to see the GI and running all these tests and such, but then comes the dread that "Oh great, I gotta get more tests done now." I'm happy I'm getting them, just so then maybe they can find out what's wrong with me, but really, who likes getting stabbed with needles and getting an ultrasound wand thing jabbed into their stomach? I have to keep believing that all these tests will show something, that all this discomfort and pain and whatever else they put me through won't be for nothing, that they will figure this out and make me better.

'Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.'
2 Corinthians 12: 8-10

Monday, May 30, 2011

Big News

I do have some big news for today... but I'm gonna make you wait.
So I'm home from Miette. It was ok/good. I was still in pain, which ruined the trip just a little bit. I took lots of pictures, but none worth showing. Mostly they are for my new story. These characters have been living in my head for a while, and since Friday they have been bouncing up and down and screaming in my head. I'll let you know that it's going to take place at a mountain top resort sort of like Miette. The two main characters are gonna be Ellie and Wes (It's a love story, of course.) And... well you'll just have to wait to find out the rest. But I am really excited about it and am ready to give these characters a voice and get their stories down on paper. Yay for Ellie and Wes and for them making me happy!
I finished reading some really good books. I was thinking about doing a summer reading list for this summer, just some of my favorite books that you guys could read if you're looking for something to read this summer (I don't know, do you guys read in the summer, or is that too school-like?) Anyway, that should be out in the next little bit if you guys are interested.
And... Here's the big news. I finished 'that' story today!!! The ending surprised even me. I was in the process of writing it when I put the first little bit on here, and now it's officially done. I had the genius idea for the ending last night, and finished it up just a few minutes ago. It's a little bit sad to be done with all these characters, but I totally loved writing this book, and I'm excited to see what you guys think as I post a little more on here, ending up in the whole novel, I hope. So that's my big news.
Hope you had a good weekend, and do something that makes you happy today. Things might be dark now, but it can't rain forever.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Today is Friday...

Today means I have successfully completed 5 straight day's of blogging. I know that might not be a big accomplishment, but that's every weekday this week that there has been a blog post. For some reason, that's enough to make me smile.

Today means We're leaving for Miette Hot Springs in a few hours. I remember the last time I wrote those words in a blog post. It doesn't seem like that long ago, but it was. I doubt there will be any daring new adventures this time around. If I take any pictures worth showing, I'll post some here when I get home.
Today means possibility

Today means a long drive, listening to music, staring out of the window and thinking.

I need to be happy for today because today is my life.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Little Bits

I'm just a little bit torn today. Just a little bit upset with myself, just a little bit upset with life, just a little bit needy. I'm just a little bit hurt and just a little bit happy. Just a little bit peaceful, a little bit content, and a little bit anxious. I'm a little bit wanting and a little bit giving and a little bit hoping. A little bit sick and a little bit hurting but a little bit trying and a little bit fighting.
I'm full of little bits right now. I'm a little bit of everything today. All these little bits, all crammed together in my body, fighting for space, for time, for thought. Each little bit is screaming, their little tiny hands raised, their cries echoing "Pick me, pick me." For a moment, I do. I don't mean to, but absentmindedly I pick the one that is the loudest, the one whose hand is raised the highest, the one who is yipping and snapping at my heels for attention. For a moment, I pet that little thing, letting it curl up in my lap. I think about whatever that little bit is, think about the circumstance that made me feel that way or the things I'm wanting or needing or hoping for. It seems the happy little bits, the content little bits and the peaceful little bits are the quietest. They are the one's in the back, politely waiting for their turn to be remembered. So today, I'm gonna choose. Just for a little while, I am gonna go to the back of the pack and pick up the happy piece, the content piece, the peaceful piece. I'm going to let them bring back the memories they hold and smile. Just for a little while, I am going to ignore those other pieces, the pieces screaming for my attention and snapping at me heels, and I am going to sit at the back of the pack with Happy, Content and Peace. Just for a little while...

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Not My Will be Done

Today was... Interesting.
Didn't get much sleep last night, which wasn't good because I was REALLY tired. I had a fever/was really hot until around midnight when the meds kicked in. So ended up not falling asleep till around 3am, but did get some reading done (Started reading 40 weeks, that book I was talking about that my friend's mama wrote, and am loving it!)
Got up this morning and did some school, and am now babysitting while my mama get's a facial. I think it's easy to see who got the better end of the deal there. We ended up having destroyed mac and cheese for lunch. (Literally. I tried to make the home made stuff, and it ended up looking some what like mac and cheese clumps drowned in milk.) But the kids are eating it, which makes me happy. It did taste a lot better then it looked.
So while I was doing school, my mom called the hospital. She was gonna try and see when they could get me in to see the doctor down there to see when they could get me in for testing so they could maybe figure out the cause of all this pain. We were gonna try and book it for June, which is when we have to go down there anyway and see the other doctor, but the other doctor (The one I go to all the time) Isn't booking at the moment, so not even sure when we're gonna get down there to see anybody. As much as I didn't want all these tests to begin with, I am so sick of all this pain right now I just want them to do the testing and find out what's wrong with me. But now I'm not sure when that's gonna happen...
I took some more meds earlier, but they don't seem to be helping much. I am so tired from the lack of sleep. Hoping I'll maybe be able to get some rest later on.

I'm tired and sick
I want to be done with this body that is filled with sickness
I want to be healed and whole
Because there are days when it's all too much
And then I hear it
Someday, I will be healed and healthy and whole
Someday, I will be done with all this sickness and pain
Someday, I will look into my Father's face and know that there was a plan for this
Someday, It will be finished
But for now, I will look heaven ward...
And whisper through the pain
"Not my will be done, But Yours, Father"

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

I survived this one...

Today… was better. Not amazing, not wonderful, but better. I actually got 6 or so hours of sleep last night rather than the 4 or so hours I got the night before. I’m still in pain but it’s not as bad as it was yesterday. Hopefully it will keep getting better. Hopefully the doctors will be able to figure out what’s wrong with me soon.

I did some school this morning, a whole bunch of tests coming up in the next few days (Math, Science, Spelling and Missions) and I had an LA test today. We went into town after school was done, went to the chiropractor, got groceries, picked up a book (written by my best friend’s mom, so excited to read it!)

Did I mention I got a flower? I know it’s just a flower but I’m gonna try really hard to keep it alive this summer. Cause I’m like a flower murderer or something.

Here's my quote for the day, which I am adding at the bottom of my post, just cause

'I got through this, I survived and the next one I'll survive even better'

Monday, May 23, 2011

Overcoming ~ Ashley

Too tired and hurting too much to think of something amazing and smart to write, so instead, here's some more of 'that' story. (I really need to think of a better name for it. any ideas?) So meet Ashley...

Bridgette called me later that evening. “Ash?” I could barely hear her through the phone. “Bridgette.” “Ashley, did you…?” “Yeah, I heard.” I had heard about Brooke’s death, her murder. “She was my sister, Ash. My Twin sister.” I could tell that Bridgette was crying. “I know, Bridgette. I know.” Bridgette was sobbing now, struggling to breathe. “Want me to come over?” I asked. “No, I’ll be fine. Ok, that’s a lie. I’ll stop crying. I just really need to be with my family right now.” She sniffed and sighed. “Ok. You know I’m here for you right, Bridgie?” “Yeah, I know.” Bridgette said goodbye before hanging up. I curled up on the living room chair, feeling hopeless, helpless. “You ok, Ash?” My Mom stood in the doorway, her eyes studying me carefully. “Not really.” She came and sat down on the sofa. “Wanna talk about it?” “It’s just Bridgette. I mean, I just got off the phone with her. I feel so helpless, you know. Her sister died, her twin sister. What am I supposed to do? I mean, she’s my best friend. Her and Brooke and me, we’ve all been friends since we were little. Now Brooke is gone. How are we supposed to deal with that? How is she?” My mom took a deep breath. “Those are a lot of deep questions, honey. Here’s what I say. Be what Bridgette needs. If she needs a distraction, distract her. If she needs someone to talk about Brooke with, be there. Don’t get all weird around her just because Brooklyn is gone. Bridgette is your friend, and she needs you now more than ever. And don’t get so caught up in Bridgette losing her sister that you forget to grieve for your friend. You loved her, Ashley, I know you did. I know you love Bridgette, and that you’re worried about her loss. That makes you who you are. Don’t lose that, Ash. Just make sure you leave time for you to grieve Brooke. You lost something too. Remember that.” “I will, Mom, thanks.” “Anytime, sweetie.” My mom kissed my forehead before returning to the kitchen. I sat in the over sized chair, in the dark, for a while. Somewhere along the way our trio became two. We lost one of the people that made us who we were. I secretly wondered if Bridgette and I would be able to overcome that?

Leave your comments, and let me know what you think.

Friday, May 20, 2011

The Last Night (Did I tell her?) ~ Bridgette

I'm one of those people who likes to read blog entries every day. So, when I started my blog, I wanted to be one of those bloggers who posted every day. So, here's some more of 'that' story. This is Bridgette, again.

I spent all of the next day in bed. People from the church came over, bringing with them dishes of food and cards and flowers. My father handled all of the door answering, and received most of the hugs and well wishes. Around lunch, Dad had called Aunt Beatrice to come pick up Mom and take her back to her place, because with every new round of well wishers, there were more tears. Everyone felt bad, of course, and apologized, which only made Mom sob harder. I didn’t feel like being around anyone today. Brooklyn and I usually handled all the family gatherings and potlucks together. We would sit in the corner and snicker about who brought what and who was with whom and who had a baby since we last saw them. The answer to the last question was usually second cousin Jane. She had 7 kids now, and last we knew she was expecting an 8th in the fall. Now, Brooklyn was gone and I was forced to face the wave of guests on my own. Everything around me reminded me of the sister I had lost. Her bed was still set up on the right side of our room, her clothes still lying in a heap from when she was trying to decide what to wear yesterday morning. Her hairbrush and makeup was still scattered all over her dresser top. Her things still littered the floor on her side of the room, but I couldn’t make myself pick them up. Brooke hated when I touched her things. When she came home, she would be so mad that I cleaned up. That was the thing with us, whenever we fought; we always made it up by bedtime. It was a rule of ours. I would never have to go to bed wondering if I would hear “I love you, Bee,” From the other side of the room. But Brooke wasn’t coming home. I would never hear her soft voice telling me that she loved me, telling me goodnight. I drew in a shaky breath. Closing my eyes, I replayed the last time I saw my twin sister alive. She was getting ready to go out, to some cheerleading thing I think. She was standing in front of the mirror, a different shoe on each foot, a different earring dangling from each ear. I was lying on the bed, reading a magazine. “You look fine, Brooke,” I had mumbled. Brooke took forever to get ready. “I want to look better then fine, Bee. I want to be stunning.” Brooke laughed, tossing her blonde hair over her shoulder. “You always look stunning, Brookie.” I joined her over by the mirror, holding up a necklace for her to try on. Brooke smiled and took the necklace. “Too plain?” She asked, admiring herself. “Too perfect.” I giggled. “Here, wear these earrings with it, and those bracelets, and, there.” I stood back and admired my sister. “You look beautiful,” I whispered. “Awe, thanks Bridgie Bee, now which shoes?” Brooke stuck out one leg, then the other, letting me admire each shoe. “Stick with the one’s on the left. “ Brooke nodded and changed out the other shoe. “Hey Brookie?” “Hmmm?” “Have fun tonight, ok?” Brooke was re-applying some mascara, pausing mid stroke. “I will.” I flopped back down on the bed, smiling and watching Brooke finish getting ready. “Don’t wait up for me,” Brooke said, as she grabbed her bag and strode towards the door. “I won’t.” “Good. Love you Bee.” That’s where the memory stopped. Had I said it? Had I told Brooke I loved her too? Or had I done what I usually did? Had I just laughed, saying yep and telling her to have a good time? I couldn’t remember. I hoped it was the first one. I hoped that I had told Brooke I loved her. But she knew didn’t she? I lay there, my heart aching, more sobs with no tears threatening to spill over and burst my chest. “I miss you, Brooke,” I whispered to the empty room where her things lay. There was no reply. I cried harder

Feel free to comment and let me know what you think. I love reading comments and finding out what you guys think.

Thursday, May 19, 2011


Every day, I read a quote for the day. It's on this website with lots of quotes and every day there is a new one. So every day, when I go on the computer, I go about my routine, emails, the Nancy Rue teen blog, checking in on the blogs that I follow, facebook and this website (to see the quote of the day.) So today, I was going about my routine. I had logged into my emails, checked the comments on the N.R.T.B, checked to see if there were any new blog updates (only 1) and checked facebook. Then, I went to this website and checked the quote of the day. Now I love quotes. On my computer, I have a word document filled with quotes that mean something to me. I have them color coated so I can find the one's I want quickly. So I went to this website today, and this was the quote for today.

"Undefined." That's it. That's all it said. I find something comforting about reading the quote of the day. Today, there was no quote, and for some reason, that made me sad. Every day, there's this quote, describing the author's feelings for that day. Today, it was undefined. Ever have one of those undefined days? I mean those days when you can't put anything into words, where nothing seems to make sense. I know I do. There was something about seeing that, that made me realize that life can be undefinable sometimes. Sometimes there are no words you can say to describe what you're going through. Sometimes all it is is undefinable. Sometimes life is like that. There are no words you can say to describe it, it can't be defined. I know my life is like that a lot.

So here's my quote for the day. Here's a quote that maybe get's a little closer to uncovering the mystery of my undefinable life.

Sometimes it seems safer to hold it all in, where the only person who can judge is yourself

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

It's not the things.... but the People

Today, I realized, I'm thankful for friends. I'm thankful for chatting with friends who 'get it.' I'm thankful for friends that don't, necessarily, but who pray for me and love me anyways. I'm thankful for my amazing friends who live close by, and my amazing friends who don't live so close. I'm thankful for the friends I've never met, and the friends that I have. Even on this day, when everything is crazy and feels out of control, I can find something to be thankful for. Some days it's harder then others, to find something to smile about. And somedays, it's not the things in your life, but the people.

Monday, May 16, 2011

There goes my life ~ Michael

Why is it that I'm never able to say what I want to say? Maybe today it's because I'm doing my best to be kind and considerate. Maybe it's because if I said everything else, this would be a very boring blog post. Maybe it's because I can't even find the words to express what I'm feeling. So for right now, here's some more of *that* story. So, today, meet Michael

I was heading out the door for early morning football practice the next morning when I noticed my mom sitting at the table. My mom was never up when I got up for practice. “Everything ok, Mom?” I said, grabbing an apple from the fruit basket. “Michael.” I grabbed a bottle of water and threw it into my backpack, along with my text books and lunch. “Michael.” I took a bite of the apple, the juice dribbling down my chin. “Michael Eric!” She had my attention. “Yeah.” I leaned up against the counter. “Mr. O’Roark called last night.” “To plan another dinner I need to attend?” I asked, giving a slight chuckle. “Honey, Brooke died last night.” Her words caught me by surprise. “What?” I laughed again, but it was an awkward laugh. “Brooke died last night. She was murdered. They found her body.” “Are… Are they sure? What if it’s Bridgette? They do sort of look alike.” It could have been Bridgette, right? Brooke would be devastated but they could get through it. They loved each other. “It was Brooke. Bridgette was at home, and she had ID on her. It was Brooke.” I stared at my mother. If this was some kind of cruel joke, it wasn’t funny. “I’m sorry.” “No! No!” My voice got louder and louder. “I’m so sorry.” My mom was crying softly, sniffling and dabbing at her eyes. “She, No! Brooke is not dead, Mom. She’s just late coming home. She’s at a party, she’s in the hospital, but she’s not dead.” My voice was firm, leaving no room for arguments. My mom just nodded. Brooke was gone. My Brooke was gone. The only girl I’d ever loved was gone. We were going to get married. We were going to have the American dream, the house with the white picket fence, and 2 kids. This wasn’t happening. “I’ll call your coach,” My mom said, leaving the room. I dashed for the sink, dry heaving. My stomach churned. This wasn’t happening. I wiped the mucus that I’d managed to cough up from my face. Brooke was dead. My dreams, my life, had died right along with her.

Feel free to comment, as always. I love hearing what you guys think.

Friday, May 13, 2011

The End as I knew it ~ Bridgette

I can't find the words to talk today. Instead, Bridgette's gonna talk. This is the continuation of the first little intro piece I posted a few days ago, the begining of the end. So meet Bridgette.

It was 11:30pm. I was on the couch, watching a TV re-run of American Idol, eating popcorn. Mom was sitting in the chair, flipping through a magazine. Dad was in his office, going over some last minute details for work tomorrow. The knock came around 11:00pm. Mom set down her magazine and went to answer the door. I went back to my program, shrugging it off. Then I heard it, hysterical weeping. Dad and I reached the door at the same time. My mother collapsed into Daddy’s arms, wailing. “My baby!” I glanced up at the person who dared knock on the door at this time of night and give my mother the sort of news that would make her fall apart. It was a police officer, his eyes cast down. “What’s going on?” I screamed, getting worked up by my mother’s hysteria. “Bridgette, calm down!” My father ordered, holding up my mother where she had fallen limp. “No! I want to know what happened!” I was crying now, the emotion of everything getting to me. “Tell me what happened!” “Honey… they found Brooklyn.” The way my father said it made my heart sink. “What do you mean they found her? Did they bring her home? Is she waiting outside? Is she drunk or something?” “Bridgette, they found her body. She was murdered.” Before my father could finish his sentence I hit the floor. “Bridgette.” “Bridgette.” Everyone around me called my name. My mother stopped her crying long enough to look at me and utter my name. My father kept saying my name over and over again. The police officer just stood there awkwardly. I just laid there. The world floated over me, as if I was under water. This couldn’t be happening. It wasn’t. Everything was fine. Brooke would come bounding in the door in a few seconds, apologizing for being late, again. She couldn’t be dead. She just couldn’t be. Because I didn’t know how to exist in a world where my twin sister didn’t.

As always, comments would be appreciated.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Quote of the Day

People have scars. In all sorts of unexpected places. Like secret roadmaps of their personal histories. Diagrams of all their old wounds. Most of our wounds heal, leaving nothing behind but a scar. But some of them don't. Some wounds we carry with us everywhere and though the cut's long gone, the pain still lingers

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

A Pretty Good Day...

Today was a good day. How often do I get to say that this day was a really good day. Not often enough, that's for sure. There were some up's and downs, but over all it was pretty good. I read some more of my book today (Leaving by Karen Kingsbury.) We went into town today, and I got some new jeans, capri's, short's and a skirt. Yay!!!! There was also this really nice girl at the store, named Alisha (Isn't that wierd.) She was just really nice and helpful about saying what looked nice. I really liked her. Thanks Alisha :) We went out for supper and then me and my mom went grocery shopping before picking up Cat from her dance rehersal. Right now, I am watching the Voice. Later on, I'm going to get my hair colored (Again.) So yeah, today was a pretty good day.
PLEASE go and read my story (If you haven't already) and COMMENT. I want to know what you think.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

The Begining of the End

So here's the begining of a story I started writing. Let me know what you think. I might post more parts of it later on, if you guys enjoy it. So... yeah, let me know what you think. This is the first paragraph, which is also the first chapter, or the Prolouge or whatever. So give me your comments. Can't wait to see what you think. :)

I didn’t mean to kill her. But as I stood there, a pile of her blood pooled at my feet, I knew I had. Her body had been drained of all color, her eyes staring up at me, lifeless, filled with horror. My hands trembled as I looked around the room. My eyes landed on a blanket that had been carelessly tossed over the back of the couch. I laid the fabric over her limp body. I kissed my hand and pressed it to her cold forehead before covering it with the cloth. “I’m so sorry,” I whispered. Then, leaving her cold body on the floor, I snuck out the backdoor.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Comedy Night

Last night was comedy night. I arrived at the church just before 5, and had pizza with the team before getting to work. We had to re-film my video piece (The one thing that made me the most nervous) and do some other movie editing stuff, before we actually got to rehearsing. We ran through the whole thing once, and then it was time for the people to arrive. By then, a lot of us were getting nervous. We ran around, setting up the desserts for the auction and the snacks and the drinks. Then the program started. We got through the whole thing, and did it pretty well, I think. We had intermission, and then the dessert auction. That was really fun, and there were some really cool desserts, like the hamburger cake, or the rubix cube. After all the desserts were sold, it was time to clean up. The guys were putting the chairs away while the girls manned the dishwashers. All in all, it was a really good night. It was a really fun night, tiring, but lots of fun. The missions team is a great group of people, and I'm really excited about getting to hang out with them and 'live' with them for 2 weeks this summer. But Comedy Night was a success, and it was lots of fun!

Friday, May 6, 2011

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Convictions, with Meredith and Lexie Grey

I hate convictions. Am I the only one? I hate being convicted and knowing what I did wrong, or what I didn't do when I should have, and get that turning feeling inside my stomach. Is that just me? Anyway, I hate being convicted. Most of the time, I'll put whatever it was off until later, telling myself I'll deal with it later, face it later, whatever. I had one of those convictions last night, or this morning depending on how you look at it. I think it was probably around midnight. I was journaling and thinking and thinking and journaling and listening to a CD. Then it hit me. It came to me through a TV show I had been watching that night (Wierd, but it seems to happen a lot now, with that SAME show.) It was one of those moments when all I could do was lay there and go "Crap!" That's really all I could think of to say. It was like, what did I do now? But, like all those things I have convictions with, I told myself I'd deal with it later. I found so many reasons why it was ok for me. All the reasons I came up with had truth. They all were actually right. And right then I was tired and I did want to go to sleep. So, like I always do, I put myself and the other people in this situation into the characters of the show. So I was Meredith, like I always am, because I see so much of me in her, or her in me, or whatever. And then there was Lexie. Watching Lexie on the show showed me so much about the person I had labeled Lexie as in my life. Watching Meredith and Lexie showed me not only lots about me, from what Meredith did and said, but about the other person, from what Lexie did and said. Conviction. Like I said, I hate them.