Sunday, February 26, 2012

Oscar's Night

I just spent nearly an hour re-organizing my Itunes playlists, giving everything cool new names. Probably not the best way I could have used my time, but my Itunes playlist is looking pretty great right now. (Now let's hope I don't get tired of my organized creative self anytime soon and decide to scrap this and start all over.) (Let's also hope that with my new creative names I can actually remember which songs are under which heading.) So here's what my new playlists look like...
BlackBerry Summer (Childhood songs)
Freedom Worship (Praise and Worship)
Just Enough Dark to See (Anything I'm loving at the moment.)
Like Steel and Lace (Kinda like Starbucks in Music, just something for when I need a pick-me-up)
Paper Violets (Folk-y, Rock-y, dance music...)
Songbirds and Country Boots (Country, what else?)
Stars and Scars (Sick related inspiration.)
Wonderstruck (Love songs)

So that's my new playlists. I got very creative with names, so let's hope I can remember what is what.

Tonight were the Oscars. I did watch a little bit. I loved the dresses, and the acceptance speeches. It was fun to watch, and I started thinking about my own acceptance speech. So, clutching my waterbottle, (Thanks for the idea, Natalie!) I thanked everyone who brought me to this moment.

I want to thank the Academy (Because isn't that how all good speeches start?) I want to thank my horse, and my dog, for their snuggles and for making me throw balls and divide hay into piles, because it keeps me humble, and for the love they give me even when I'm not holding food. I want to thank my fans, because without them I never would have gotten to this place. I want to thank my parents, for giving me life, and raising me to become the brilliant person I am today. I want to thank the Committee who ran the block parties when I was younger, for casting me as the princess who laid on the pea, and fostered my love of acting. I want to thank all the music artists who have played a role in the soundtrack of my life ~ From Maroon 5 to the Beatles. I want to thank Old Navy Erdem for making my over sized tee shirt and sweats beautiful gown. I want to thank Justin Chambers for being gorgeous and filling my Thursdays with happiness.

That's my acceptance speech for the night. As far as Oscar Night goes I hope yours was filled with wonderful acceptance speeches and fun. I'm off to watch some Grey's!

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Midnight Songs

At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship. (Job 1:2)

Maybe it's no accident that in some of the "Valley of the Shadow of Death" Times in my life, I turn to music. After I get over that initial yearning for silence, I yearn for music. I sing myself to sleep, I have my IPod playing in the background and there's almost always a song stuck in my head. One of the things I've been doing recently is singing worship songs. Under Youtube, I find the karaoke version of some worship songs and sing out the lyrics (When no one's home of course!) For those few minutes, it's not about me. It's not about what's going on in my life or this valley in which I am walking.

I love the verse above for this reason. On that particular day, Job's worship came from the ground. He tasted dirt and tears as he cried out through his pain to the God he loved. Worship is an involuntary reaction of the soul's longing for Christ's return. Even in our anger and confusion, there is something about worship that comforts us in times of pain.*

In the Old Testament, we always hear the phrase "Let my people go." (Said by Moses) What we don't notice as much is the last part, So they may worship me. Worship is associated with Freedom. I love that. I love that worship is our freedom song. In that moment, despite everything that's going on in my life, God's love has set me free. He loves me even in my brokenness, even in my hurting. He loves me even in my questioning, and in my anger, and in my confusion. Worship is about HIM, it's about loving Him back. It has the power to move me out of the state I am in and into the loving arms of God.

Worship reminds us that this isn't the end of the story. This isn't even the best part of the story. The song we sing facedown on the ground through the tears, in the mud and with broken hearts is just the beginning of a symphony that is building, rising and swelling into eternity.

So let my midnight song rise, a light defient against the darkness. Let my worship be my longing for Christ's return, let it echo off the sky and loosen these chains, setting me free. Let His great love for me bring me out into the light, where the focus is on the One who gives... and takes away. Let it move me into the loving arms of God.

Ideas taken from PaperDoll by Natalie Lloyd

Thursday, February 23, 2012

A love that moves

I've been re-reading one of my books lately. It really spoke to me last time I read it, and this time around, again, I wanted more. My efforts were met. Every chapter spoke to me, but today's chapter really hit me. It was on a love that moves. One of the quotes was this: "God's love gives us the ability to go back to a place of pain, and make it a place of ministry as well." I think that, in my pain, I don't see it as ministry. I complain, I question, I hurt. It's about me. But what would happen if I took my focus off of myself? God's love, the same love He used to rescue this broken girl, free's me. It will bring me to a place where I am no longer chained, but free. God's love for me is fierce, breaking down every wall, bringing hope to this soul. I am carrying a message of love that can change my world. Sarah Groves says "There are many losing battles worth investing in, simply because winning isn't the point." Pro-life is one of those things I feel strongly about. It excites me and gets me fired up. But maybe 'winning' isn't the point. We live in a world where people are fighting for the right to get safe abortions, to end the lives of those who aren't necessarily healthy or planned. So maybe winning isn't the point. maybe banning abortions isn't the point. Maybe it's that one life, the one life that can be saved. maybe it's about love. we have the opportunity to show the love of God, because He first loved us. He came into this broken world to win our hearts, and He gave us the message of love to carry. Love is a voice for the voiceless, a light in the darkness. If we carry the message of love to our world, we can change it. Love, not winning, is what matters. It is love that offers hope to our dying, empty world. And love is an incredible movement to be a part of.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

The Mermaid...

We've been without internet now for 5 days. It feels like so much life has happened, but then again like nothing has changed. Life is been... wierd lately. I really don't know how else to describe it. It's almost like being at the center of a hurricane, and you can see the storm, and you know it's there, and you know that what's coming next could make or break you, but you're not scared. It's like being at the center of this storm and even though the world is shifting under my feet and everything I know is changing, I'm ok. Maybe it's like being underwater, where you can see the surface and feel the tide pulling you under, but you're in that place between waking and sleeping where everything is foggy and a little confusing, but still.

I know maybe I should start to panic, to start thrashing and frantically trying to pull my heavy body up to break the surface. Maybe I should start fighting again. But I'm tired of fighting and all I want to do is stay here in this blissful underwater fog, where it's still and even though the storm is whirling around me, I'm ok. Maybe after fighting for so long and trying to resist giving in, you just get tired, and sink into acceptance.

I feel like a mermaid, sinking and swimming at the same time.

Friday, February 17, 2012

Paper Doll

If you are looking for a good devotional style book to read, check out Paper Doll by Natalie Lloyd. If you are not looking for a good devotional book but instead just an all around good book, check out Paper Doll by Natalie Lloyd. If you do not read, find someone and have them read to you Paper Doll by Natalie Lloyd.

I am now reading this book for a second time, and falling head over heels in love. Sentances upon sentances are highlighted, notes were made. This book isn't your average book (Even without the beautiful hot pink cover) and I say this in a good way.

Paperdoll is about what happens when an ordinary girl meets an extraordinary God. It is based off the passage in John about the Samaritian woman by the well who meets Jesus. I recieved this book as a gift from the author, the amazingly beautiful and wonderful Natalie Lloyd. It has been on my wish list for a while, and I was more then happy to devour each and every word. What I didn't expect, though, was to want to go to bed early so I could read more, and to have such strong emotions rise as I read this book. I went from crying to laughing to heartache to realizations in only a chapter. Natalie writes in a way that is relatable to young women, and in a way that touched my own heart. It isn't a preachy kind of devotional book either, and characters like Reese Witherspoon, Ashley Judd, Natalie's brother and her grandmother all appear in this book. There are go-go boots and sunrises and paintbrushes and movie references. This book has it all. I would give this book 5 out of 5 stars, and would encourage anyone and everyone who has ever struggled in any way (Which is all of us, right?) to go out and buy this book!

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

The little things...

It's the little things. Sometimes it's in the little things when you find hope, when you find the courage just to make it through the day. It's finding a blog post that I can relate to, or says the right thing. It's the song that keeps echoing in your head and Grey's Anatomy marathons and quotes that are so fiercely beautiful and the Food Network. I wanted to share some of my little things, the little things that have kept me going over this past little while. (Moves like Jagger by Maroon 5. I don't usually like to get songs that are popular, but I kinda fell in love with this one! There's actually kind of a funny story behind this...)

"Jesus. He met us right where we were, right there on the cold hard tile of my sun room, and He took two broken people, so different and yet so much more alike and showed us the scars on His hands and said its ok if we have some too because the scars are always drawing us to Him."

"Hope is like a bird that senses the dawn and carefully starts to sing while it is still dark."

"She wasn't bitter. She was sad though. But it was a hopeful kind of sad. The kind of sad that just takes time."

"A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song."

Monday, February 13, 2012

Beautiful Hope

My heart is so full it hurts. It’s not the bad kind of hurting though, the kind I’ve experienced far too much of these past few weeks. It’s the good kind of hurting, the kind when your heart is so full and it feels like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders and you can breathe. There are so many heartaches in life, so it’s nice for a moment to come along that’s full of good heartache.
I don’t know if I can even explain it, this kind of heartache that comes with realizing how, even admits all this trauma, incredibly blessed you are. It’s the kind that comes with being paid in flowers, of memories of that perfect Sunday afternoon, of reading a blog post that makes you smile on the inside because you just get it. It’s the kind of happiness that comes with knowing all your time spent watching the food network paid off because in your hands is the best dish known to man (Ok, not quite, but the best dish ever made by your ten fingers.) It’s sunshine and feeling brave and love and…do you feel it? It’s hope. Its hope and it’s shining and beckoning me to find room in my cold, tired heart for its candle. It can’t promise me much warmth, or much light, but it says that if I come close enough to the tiny flame, the cold darkness won’t be as noticeable anymore. It’s hope, it’s something I haven’t felt in far too long… and it’s beautiful.
(Ok, this is was from an interview that I did recently. Just thought I'd post it incase anyone wanted to read it. Yes, when I got the email asking me to do this I actually did laugh, because earlier that day I was talking to myself about this very issue, and deciding how bad it would be for me to try and give advice to other people when my life is so crazy and I feel like I know so little as it is. (Did you notice the last question?)

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Laughter and Love = Best Kind of Medicine

Saw this video today and fell in love. I literally have no words. It is so true.

So here's to lunch dates and laughing and amazing friends to share Sunday's with.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Sooner or Later, I'm gonna make it...

Today is the day of:

Waking up to pain ripping through my stomach

Throwing up Breakfast

Doing school while hooked up, attempting to fight off the nausea that's rising

Watching the Food Network and reading My sister's keeper in an attempt to ignore the shock, and the humbling sense of reality, brought up by this morning's incident

The smell of medical tape still clinging to my skin, despite my attempts to wash it away

Cold feet, and headaches, and heartaches

Sunshine streaming in the bedroom window

Spanish Vocab, and Math Questions, and English Essays

Getting a message from a friend today, a whispered reminder that sooner or later, I AM going to make it. We ARE going to find out what this is and I AM going to feel better. Though it won't be today, it will be someday.

I am Hoping with a fragile Hope

Monday, February 6, 2012


Just wanted to let everyone know that today went as well as it could have (Not that it was good for me, I was miserable, but good as in the tests went smoothly.)
The tests weren't fun for me. Spending 5 hours at the medical clinic defiantly wasn't my idea of a good time. It defiantly wasn't fun to be stabbed with ultrasound wands and lay under scanners and submit myself to following every order for every little thing that had to go along with every test. I came home, logged into school (I'd already done my math yesterday so I just had some reading to do) and promptly fell asleep. I was so exhausted. I slept for a while but when I woke up I didn't feel much better, still felt tired and achy. I always find I'm way more self conscious when I'm getting these kind of tests done, because I'm still hooked up and everytime somebody looks at me oddly (Which almost everyone does) I always wonder what they're thinking, if they're wondering what happened to the poor girl sitting in the corner being fed by a tube to make her like this. (In my mind I always think they think I look like a freak, but maybe that's my own caring and nobody really thinks that. I don't know.) I drank enough water to sink the titanic (Ok not quite, but by the end of it I was almost throwing up every sip I drank.) I found too, that when I wasn't thinking I would always catch myself with little tears in my eyes, just sitting there. Despite my furious scrubbing I still smell like medical tape (Maybe from the sticky stuff on the back of the heart monitor stickers?)
I am so glad this day is over. This day was hard, but not scary. I find I don't have the luxury of being scared anymore, not by this. I need to be strong right now, I can't risk falling apart. If I let myself be scared, whose going to be strong? So I'll be strong, because it's what is required. These fears inside me, they're almost numb now, barely able to be felt at all. They just get pushed to the back. I don't get to be scared, not over things like this.

It's about a girl who is on the cusp of becoming someone.. A girl who may not know what she wants right now, and she may not know who she is right now, but who deserves the chance to find out

Sunday, February 5, 2012


I'm heading in for more medical tests tomorrow. I guess I'm tired, of picking myself up and brushing myself off after every attempt that didn't show anything, of fighting, even of the inconvenience of it all and the brutal reminder that this is my life and I am not given the luxury of spending tomorrow in school like most kids my age, but instead I'll be spending it at the medical testing diagnostic clinic where you have to have this for one test, but not for the next one, and you can't wear metal for this test and you can't eat or drink before this test, but you have to drink before this one.
Like the lyrics from one of my favorite songs say (You can actually listen to the song here)
I'm sitting in a room made up of only big white walls And in the hall, there are people looking through The window in the door They know exactly what we're here for Don't look up, just let them think There's no place else you'd rather be and now you can't turn back because this road is all you'll ever have
That's really what it's like, sort of, just don't look up, don't let people think you would rather be anywhere else. This is it, this is what you have. Of course, living this way has made me a brilliant actress (at least I like to think so.) But it is honestly so much pretending, pretending to be ok, pretending that really the hospital or the medical clinic are the best places to spend a Monday when you're in high school.
But I have no choice, so tomorrow I'll go, and I'll pretend to be strong and brave.

Remember a while ago I mentioned my best friend's cousin Sadie? (If not, you can read the post here) Anyway, her mama has a blog that I started reading just after I found out about Sadie. I thought maybe you'd like to check out a couple of her posts that I'm lovin' right now.

Friday, February 3, 2012

7 Quick Takes ~ Volume 2

1. I hate that I'm resorting to doing another 7 quick takes this Friday. But considering it's been a week since I've posted and I've sat here for almost half an hour, staring at this blank screem, writing, erasing, writing some more, erasing again. I figured you all deserved a post since everything I've tried to write wasn't coming across like I wanted it to, I figured I'd do another 7 quick takes. I hope nobody minds.

2. Semester 2 started on Wednesday, and so far it's going really well. I'm very excited about my English class. I also have Math and Spanish this semester, and I'm looking forward to seeing what those classes are going to bring too.

3. I'm heading in for more tests on Monday, some ultrasounds and a bone scan. Wierd thing is, I think I hate ultrasounds the most out of all the medical tests I've had. I don't know why, but I do. So I am definatly not looking forward to that day. The day will start at 8:40am, another downer as I hate getting up early. On the plus side, I get to wear my pyjama's into town, and wear them ALL day, and I get lunch out. Ok, not very big plus sides to this not so fun situation, but I'm trying here.

4. I also started a medical journal this month. Basically, it's a journal, where I write down all my medical symptoms for a couple of weeks, and then we'll take it into the doctors so I can better explain what's going on and actually have documentation instead of just going "Uh..." and looking over at my mom. (Yes, I actually do that!) I started on the first, and almost have a whole page filled up, but looking back over these past few days it's been pretty symptom free. I'm not expecting that to last, though, and if it does I think I may need to pick another 2 weeks as this is pretty abnormal (To go days without every hour being plauged by symptoms. But I have had days before where I go for a stretch without lots of symptoms, and then it all comes back and sticks with me. So we'll see)

5. I started reading some Jodi Picoult books. I mentioned last week I was reading Handle with Care (Finished that, and loved it! Made me cry though...) and am now reading another one of her books I got from the library. Even though there are some questionable things in some of her books, I really love the way that they get me to think.

6. I've got another story on my mind. It was inspired by one of the wierdest things (aren't they all?) and the idea actually came to me from something my friend did (Though he probably has no idea he inspired a story... hehehe) and I can't get it out of my head. I've been googling baby names and the hours worked by a baker, and the process for child custody after a divorce... just incase I decide to write this story one day. I love it that I can text my friend and ask her which one of two names she likes better, and she'll tell me and not even question me on why I want to know. I love her for that, and cause she turned my main character into a red head!

7. I'm sort of glad I watch Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice when everyone else is in bed. I think they might think I'm a little bit insane as I make all these wierd noises. It's true, I can't turn my feelings into words so I sit in front of the TV and squeal and sigh and gasp. I can't even turn those weird noises into words, they're just noises that express feelings.

Hopefully someday soon I'll be able to get my thoughts out into coherent paragraphs :)