Things have come to an inevitable end.
I was planning on writing today about how this is the last night. It's the last night in this house, in this bed, with these people. At least for a little while. And in a way that seems sad.
I remember when we would always move houses when I was growing up, and during one move about three houses ago I sat in my room and wrote about how the walls were becoming too small for me. They had already held my secrets, my tears, my joy. I had already existed so fully in this space. And now I had to move. I had to move forward because somewhere out there was a new space big enough to hold the person I was now, and because someone else somewhere needed to be in this space to further their evolution.
A few months ago, I was watching an interview with some teacher who said that the more resistance we encounter, the more important the event is for our soul's journey. And at the time, I thought it was fitting as on this journey, the one in which I transition from high school to college, from being a kid to being an adult, I've encountered a lot of resistance.
It often feels like running into a brick wall, and I wonder if there isn't a reason why I should turn back. I think that's the way it is, though. Staying always feels safer than going.
But I think moving needs to happen. It needs to happen to keep things from sticking and settling and to keep things shaken up and so you keep growing and evolving and changing and learning.
Just as much as I needed to take those first steps into first grade, I need to take these first steps.
And yeah, it's going to be scary. Those trembling first steps of something new demand that the person taking them be a little scared.
Just like dorm rooms demand to be lived in and some relationships demand an expiry date and the Universe demands to be noticed.
And I think everyone is scared to some degree because creating your own life is scary and moving into new spaces is scary and being someone who actually matters and does things in the world is scary.
Being a person is scary. Which lends itself to the idea that everyone is scared.
Everyone is terrified of something. Life has a crazy way of shaking things up and demanding to be noticed and acknowledged and experienced and felt.
And if everyone is terrified of something, it means that not one person is alone.
I am not the only one standing on this platform between what was and what is, holding up this beautiful thing I created which is my life and myself and letting the world make of it what it will. I am not the first, nor will I be the last.
And if life demands to be noticed and experienced and new spaces demand to be moved into, then it means that every ending is also a new beginning.
Or maybe there isn't a distinct line between endings and beginnings, just a bunch of lines blurring together until they make a life. Where one thing ends another seamlessly picks up its place, even if that thing is not totally recognizable to the human eye.
Maybe there is no answer on how to do this. You do it as loudly or quietly or spiritually or mentally or fast as you can but in the end you do it the best way you know how and I think we as people need to learn to look at the other people around us and see that they are doing the best they can too.
And nobody has any of the answers. And everyone is terrified.
But the fear doesn't mean we should stop experiencing life or love or moving into new spaces. Fear and resistance just means this is a big deal and its important and it matters so pay attention.
Fear and pain demand to be noticed in the same way that life demands to be experienced and great love demands to be a little crazy and great happiness demands great risk.
If every ending demands a new beginning, however soft and small, then this will be the beginning of something wonderful.
And despite all the reasons to turn back there are more reasons to keep going. Because everyone is scared and maybe this part demands a little bit of fear and the fear demands to be felt.
And it is only by feeling this that I will continue to grow, and evolve and create and live.